Emotional Abuse

The subject of abuse has cropped up a few times lately, and it’s one I am very familiar with. So I thought it was time to write an article on this usually quite taboo subject and bring it out into the open. People being emotionally abused usually don’t want to talk about it or admit it, and indeed sometimes don’t even realise that they are being abused, in many cases, especially if it’s been going on for some time and is what they are used to. I write this article as one who has experienced both emotional and physical abuse during a 10 ½ year relationship, so I have first-hand experience of this insidious form of violence. Yes, emotional abuse amounts to violence whether or not physical abuse is involved. It can be subtle or overt and all shades in-between.

Abusers are unhappy insecure people who derive their personal power by taking power away from someone else – generally the person closest to them which is usually the unfortunate partner. They feel threatened by anyone who is secure and centred in their own power, so they seek to undermine the partner in various subtle or more overt ways – to demean and control the partner in order to bolster their own position. The abuser’s modus operandi is often very clever and so subtle that you don’t even notice what’s happening most of the time. After all, you are in a relationship and trust each other, so why would you suspect that the loved one is out to bring you down?

True love is unconditional – honouring the beloved and allowing them full expression in whatever way is right for them. When you love someone, you allow them the freedom to be truly themselves, and in fact you actively support and aid them in their blossoming, whatever that entails; and they are hopefully the same with you if it is a healthy relationship. Love is : freeing, caring, nurturing and allowing. Love is not : controlling, criticising, judging, clamping down on the partner and boxing them up so tightly they can’t move without the other’s permission. This latter is abuse, pure and simple.

Let’s look at what constitutes emotional abuse : Abuse is not always overt. It can be very subtle, even passive, but no less invasive and freedom-sapping. If you have to limit or modify your perfectly reasonable and “normal” behaviour so as not to upset your partner, that is passive emotional abuse. If you have to tread on eggshells around someone – having to suppress your creative self, and squash your feelings and needs into their mould of expectation, that’s not right. If you find yourself constantly expected to be at someone else’s beck and call at the expense of your own needs and desires, that is not right either. If you are unable to be yourself without attracting comments and criticism just for being you and being true to yourself, that’s not right. If you have to curtail your right to express yourself in your own uniqueness and beauty, so that someone else doesn’t feel threatened, that’s not right. All those things constitute emotional abuse, in my book, just as surely as the more aggressive kind.

The aggressive type of emotional abuse may include picking arguments for no reason (to wear you down); shouting in your face over something trifling; constant criticism and negative comments; constantly judging; discouraging you from taking up new interests; limiting your access to money; preventing you from visiting friends and family; and preventing you from taking part in activities, events or workshops in which you have an interest, just because they don’t. If you plan something, they will often organise something of their choosing on the same day, and expect you to take part in that instead of in your own chosen activity, making you feel guilty if you don’t. An abuser will often want to be doing everything with you, not allowing you any freedom or life away from them, or allowing you the space and time to have other interests and make new friends, because they feel threatened by anything that doesn’t involve them. They will also actively come between you and friends or family members to try to isolate you.

In short, you have little or no freedom in this type of relationship – you are effectively enslaved to a partner who behaves in this abusive way. They gradually chip away at the self worth and self esteem of the partner until they bring you down to their level. Then they have you right where they want you – insecure, controlled, trapped, and afraid to make any move for fear of triggering further criticism and abuse. This puts you completely in their power and afraid to put a foot forward without asking permission. This eroding of one’s rights as a human being usually happens very subtly and slowly over a long period. By the time you realise what is happening, it’s often too late – you are already enmeshed in an emotionally abusive situation. By this time it is often a co-dependant relationship – the abused person is so used to the abuse that it has become their way of life and they accept it as their destiny, often through a mis-guided sense of loyalty and wanting things to work. The fight and flight mechanism is often turned on permanently in abuse victims due to their constant need to be vigilant and try to avoid any triggers which might bring on further emotional or physical abuse. Basically, they live in a permanent state of fear and anxiety of what may happen next. When abuse takes place in the home, then that is no longer a space where we can feel safe and nurtured, as a home should be - it’s a place of suffering and fear due to the partner’s abusive behaviour.

The abuser feeds off the psychic energy of the abused person by constantly taking their power. Abusers are energy vampires – they gradually suck their victims dry. To give you a very potent analogy - I once saw, at a car boot sale, an old dusty wooden chest on the ground, which was clearly alive with woodworm – it was literally being eaten alive as I watched. This is a good analogy for the way the abuser constantly drains the life energy of the partner in an emotionally abusive relationship. At some point down the line, many abused people start to suffer health problems due to the constant siphoning of their energy.

This is clearly no way to live. No-one should be expected to stay in an abusive situation for any reason, even if children are involved, and often especially if that is the case. Children do not thrive in abusive situations. And you should certainly not stay for the sake of appearances or to appease family members or cultural conditioning. There is only one thing to do if you are in an abusive relationship – first recognise it, then cut yourself loose, leave, and move on. Abusers rarely change, and it’s no good hanging on and hoping that they will, and that one day things will get better. They don’t. Once an abuser sees that you will put up with this kind of unreasonable behaviour, they will continue with it and push it as far as they can, as if it is their right to do so, for as long as you allow it. The only real way of stopping it is to vacate and start again well away from that person’s influence.

It has to be said that we will only find ourselves in this position for more than a short time if we have a pre-disposition to allowing others to manoeuvre and manipulate us. When we are fully anchored in our own power with healthy boundaries, this, or any sort of abuse, doesn’t work. We need to find our own power within ourselves, then we are immune to this kind of insidious behaviour by others. Then we can recognise it coming towards us, and can quickly deflect it or walk away. Never let anyone get a hold on you in this way – this is not a healthy relationship. People who find themselves in this position and are unable to see a way out have low self esteem and are not centred in their own power. They have not yet managed to transcend the victim/rescuer/perpetrator triangle and are trapped in it, playing it out in endless cycles with the abusing partner. The only way out is to break free. It’s difficult because by the time the abuse really starts to set in, we are emotionally involved with the abuser, and deep feelings are involved. This makes it far harder to break free and leave, which is what they count on.

When an abuser can no longer get to you directly, due to the relationship ending, they don’t necessarily give up and leave you alone. They will often seek to further undermine you by trying to damage your reputation – inventing lies and slander about you and spreading this muck around your community - be it work, friends or within the family. This has happened to me on two occasions – the latter time within the gong community. My own most serious ex-abuser is still sending viruses to my work email address and engaging in other menacing behaviour nineteen years after the end of the marriage! He is a very sick man – actually a psychopath. He cannot forgive me for breaking free and leaving, even though I had to do so in order to save my life - the physical abuse had got so serious by that time. I just decided one day, after one particularly horrific incident – enough is enough; and after some necessary careful planning I escaped, breaking the cycle for ever. I knew there was a better life for me without him.

And this is crucial – to stop the cycle of abuse, we have to say : no – this is not acceptable. We have to summon up what courage and strength we have left inside and take control. Or ask for help from a friend or relative. This almost always means leaving for good. In my case, virtually all the abuse, both physical and emotional, took place at home where there were no witnesses – this is common in abuse cases. Had there been witnesses, he could have been charged with attempted murder on several occasions. Back in those days 20+ years ago you were basically on your own in a domestic abuse situation – the police had their hands tied and were unable to help unless there was actually bodily harm and you wished to press charges. These days, I am glad to say, things are different, and the police are extremely supportive towards victims of abuse.

After my own seriously abusive situation ended, there was a considerable amount of personal healing work to do, to recover emotionally and become whole again. I embarked on this work and eventually emerged from it some years later a far wiser, stronger, centred, happy person, complete in herself. That experience has contributed towards making me the person I am today. I see now that it was necessary for my growth, and major lessons were learned which could not have been learned in any other way. In effect, he did me a huge favour! Nowadays, because of my own personal experiences in this field, I have a sixth sense for abuse and can detect it from some distance. I can thus help people who have been or are suffering abuse because I know first-hand what they’re going through and how they can heal. The work I do with the gongs is work of empowerment. The gong sounds clear away old stagnant energy and blockages, and raise people’s energy vibration, helping to empower them to make the necessary changes in their lives and move on from abusive situations. We work with the gongs in both treatment sessions and workshops to heal old wounds, release stored trauma, and enable shifts of perception so that people can move forward on their life path – it’s powerful healing work. We enable people to take responsibility for their own disempowered situation and move through it towards a suitable healthy resolution. Contact me if you would like to know more : Sheila@healingsound.net