Letting Go

Letting go is a difficult thing for most of us. Whether it arrives upon us due to the loss of a friend or loved one through death or break-up, or the passing of a beloved pet, or having to let go of a job, or the place we’ve grown up in or lived for a long while – whatever the reason - inevitably the letting-go process involves grief on some level.

The letting go of someone or something that didn’t work out can be a very testing thing, depending on the depth of the feelings involved. Sometimes it can be literally heart-breaking. You don’t mend a heart that’s been shattered into a thousand pieces – it’s been broken open for ever – no going back. There is no easy fix at times like these – we just have to go through the process of letting go and allow the grieving to run its course. The worst thing to do, in my experience, is bottle it up inside and pretend everything is OK, and not allow those deep feelings to surface. They need to come out, in order to be acknowledged and cleared, so that healing can occur. It’s not OK if we’re appearing normal but dying inside! Best to allow ourselves time and privacy to go right into those deep hurts and feel them totally, allowing our heart to break if necessary in the process, however much pain we are in.

Sometimes we can’t keep it all together – we just have to dissolve in the tears and grief, however caused. At one point, during my own letting-go process, I poured myself into my work with such fervour, to escape the emotional pain, that I severely depleted my energy reserves, resulting in my immune system being overwhelmed, and I became unwell for a short time – unheard-of for me. That’s no good either – we need to keep a balance and be kind to ourselves. There are occasions of course when we have to put a brave face on to go out into the world and do our work. But after those duties are done, it’s essential to have time in our own peaceful space to allow ourselves the opportunity to grieve – to come to terms with whatever has happened, in our own time and in our own way.

Letting go has many layers – have you noticed that? It doesn’t happen all at once. You get through one layer and think - thank goodness, I’m getting back to “normal” (whatever normal is!), and then another layer appears, triggered by something quite random or accidental, and you’re back to square one, finding yourself apparently back in the same place - still grieving and unable to let go. As time goes on (and time is indeed the healer here), and you work your way through the many layers of attachment, letting them go in their own time as they surface, you realise at some point down the line that things are getting better, and you’re starting to get somewhere and come out the other end. Not unscathed of course, but a stronger wiser person than before, lessons learned. Grief has this way of bubbling up when we least expect it.

And that’s part of the process – we just have to allow it to surface in its own time. I speak from experience having lost both my parents and stepfather some years back, plus several friends, and having also gone through the intense pain of broken relationships. Grief can be disabling and the instinct is to armour plate ourselves emotionally and close up the heart so that we won’t get hurt in this way again. The opposite needs to happen - we must keep the heart open and not barricade ourselves in behind a wall, keeping others out for fear of being hurt even more. We need to allow ourselves time to go through this letting go process, without trying to push it away or block it, or otherwise pretend it’s all OK. The healing process takes its own time and cannot be rushed. And we never really get over it completely when our loss involves very deep feelings – it becomes an integral part of the person we become further down the line. We gain depth, strength and understanding because of the pain and suffering of these experiences.

Letting go is not easy at all. But it is usually necessary in order that we are able to move on, honouring whatever has happened, and at the same time acknowledging that life goes on, and we need to flow with it wherever it is taking us. And eventually, that does happen. It can take many years in some cases, but it does start to get better if we treat ourselves kindly and allow things to run their course naturally. Self care and self love are key here – we are the priority. We need to put ourselves first in order to fully heal from any major loss. And eventually we may also be able to see the higher picture – that life has a lesson for us in everything that happens, and it is all for a reason, although we may never know what that reason is. That can be the hard part. And finally, we may find ourselves in a place of trust and acceptance – that whatever happened was indeed for the Highest good of all. When we reach that place, the letting go process is complete.

Sheila Whittaker 27.8.15